Growing up.....Not only do I feel like I have grown up, but I've reached the crest of the hill of life and am descending rapidly down the other side. What will this side of the hill look like??
The first side was full of promise...."I'll do that someday" moments. Now the reality is I probably won't do "that". For a myriad of reasons, $$$, health, stamina, a companion to do it with....sigh.
Challenges in the first half were just that, a challenge, a problem to be solved, and moved past. Loss of income? okay I have other options to pursue. A marriage over? I'll build a different life . Housing relocation? no problem I can adapt, build a new nest.
On this side those same situations cause a different response. Funds are limited and will probably stay that way, no real belief I'll win the lottery..lol. Housing is the borrowing, a renting of someone else's space. It is a lucky happenstance that my dogs have an affordable, safe place to stay. But there is no independent lifestyle. This is not my home, not the way my home of 30 years in the sweet town of Gladstone was. Not how I imagined I'd spend my senior years ~ no Sunday Dinners at Nana's, no family, grandchildren, great grandchildren to share time and break bread with. They have their own lives, college, careers, travel, adventures of the young. Little place for the "old one" there. As it should be, not disregarding, rather the rhythm of life as generations come and go.
Somehow life is smaller. I no longer have the depth of resilience, or stamina, no depth of resources, I have a smaller community of friends, my world is smaller in dreams. Maybe the real word is reality. As an elder my "body vehicle" is becoming a "high mileage used car". Who knew you could go to bed one night, only to wake up in the morning with an ailment of one sort or another?? Damn you felt great last night, today your hip aches like a bad tooth. WTH??? Maybe you tweak your knee and in the day you would be good to go in 48 hours, not so now, it could be weeks before healing is complete. This doesn't even include all the ailments seniors are prone to...diabetes, cancer, arthritis, joint disease, all the result of the body wearing out. We all know where this path is leading..R.I.P, nice wake, burial or cremation?... Eventually the old vehicle won't start, it has reached the last mile...no spark...done.
Yep, this side of The Hill seems like desert and sagebrush as compared to to lush valleys and verdant landscapes of the first half. Not that there isn't beauty, peace, grace...there is. But I also am learning aging isn't for wimps. So maybe the next time you are tempted to take your life for granted...remember where your road is headed. Remember to enjoy your "everyday" life, and know you are already living the best days of your life.....don't wait until it's over to realise what you had....just sayin'....old folks get to do that..:-)
