at age 50 should you have to ask "who am I anyway"?

It is August 1994, I am standing at the back patio door looking out at the magnificent oak tree. The Grandmother Tree totally enfolds my house. The canopy her limbs provide places a protective cover over the whole house. The sun is slowly inching westward and the late afternoon shadows are forming. I stand at the door and hold myself, both arms closed over my chest, holding on tight in a self embrace. I am alone. For the first time in almost 50 years of life on this earth I am totally alone. My husband of 30 years has made the choice to make his first attempt at personal freedom. Taking his shaving kit and my overnight case filled with a change of clothes, he left for a new and different life.

We hadn’t fought, in fact we are still good friends. It was as if my oldest son was leaving home. “Can I come back if it doesn’t work out?”

“Sure this is still your house too. Do you need to use my truck?”

“No, I’m not taking that much.” Not taking that much, isn’t it funny ~ 30 years later and it’s a couple of personal items in a suit case, and he’s gone. There is a big hug at the front door and I kiss his cheek and send him off with a wish of good luck and friendship.

“Bye, see you soon ~ take care ~ I love you”

“I love you too” and he is gone. Driving away in that summer sunshine, off to begin a new life. Just like we had done 30 years before. Then it was a sunny April day, friends had stood and waved, wished us luck, hugs, kisses, and we were driving away to begin a new life.

Where had the dream gone wrong? Or had it gone wrong? Were we meant to be the safe haven for each other as we grew up and created our own family? Then graduate from that life and continue our lessons apart, during this earthwalk? The girl of 18 who drove off that day went from being a daughter and a sister to being a wife and within a couple years, a mother. As the woman who stands looking out my patio door I am filled with a scary yet empowering knowledge. I am responsible to no one but myself. For the first time in my life there is no one to consider but me.

What reckless freedom! I can stay up until 2, get up at 5 and then turn on the stereo. No! Wait, I can turn on the TV in the living room the kitchen, and bedroom, and leave them all on at once!! No one will follow me around and turn them off. No one will tell me what to do. But you have to have someone tell you what to do, don’t you? There is no one to consider but me…but who is me??

As it turned out that was much harder question to answer than I had ever answered in my life. Where do you begin when you have spent your life doing your best to be who and what you were suppose to be, doing what you were suppose to do. Here I was a clean slate ready to be written on and I found I didn’t know how to write, not if I couldn’t copy someone else’s work. Who am I anyway??